July 5, 2008

Dear parkerhk@aol.com: We’re Not the Morons Here

Apparently, some little boy who gets his Pull-Ups in a twist at the very suggestion that his completely inaccessible crush may be about as straight as the Yellow Brick Road needs a spanking (of the sort he won’t enjoy) and a long nap. Landing in the Obnoxious Little Jerk Folder of the Mailbag:

Name: Parker
emailaddress: parkerhk@aol.com
Message: Christina Applegate has never been a lesbian you moron. She was married to actor Johnathon Schaech for 8 years. They divorced about a year and a half ago and she started dating Lee Grivas. Hate to disappoint you but you should get your facts straight. Just because you wish it doesn’t make it so.
REMOTE_ADDR: 76.172.239.223
HTTP_USER_AGENT: Mozilla/5.0 (Macintosh; U; PPC Mac OS X; en) AppleWebKit/412
(KHTML, like Gecko) Safari/412
DATE: 17:38:49 2008-7-5

Barging into my house and calling me a moron doesn’t make you right — it just makes you an obnoxious little jerk.

Christina’s lesbionic/bionic fencewalking is old, old news — probably older than you are. To wit (of which you have none):

Christina Applegate was once married to a woman

…What’s slightly scandalous is the news that Applegate admitted that she was married to a woman before she made it legal with her ex husband in 2001. She said in an old interview with Bikini Magazine that over ten years ago she and her female friend got hitched in Vegas. She claimed that they “took [marriage] very seriously,” but that they did it to prove a point about marriage and that it wasn’t sexual.* It couldn’t have been legal, because gay marriage and same sex unions are not legal in Nevada, but it sounds like they had a ceremony…

Now, bugger off, little boy, and don’t don’t come back until you can behave like the proper little gentleman your mother failed to raise.

* For anyone still under the mistaken impression that genital sex is required: Wrong. See also: Boston Marriage

Posted by: Sapphocrat

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