February 18, 2008

From the Book of Jerks 13:13: Asshats Beget Asshats

asshat In response to “Big & Rich & Homophobic” (October 31, 2007), which reveals D-list country-western singer John Rich’s big & ugly homophobia, a spelling-, punctuation-, and capitalization- challenged reader by the name of “ashley” and email address beginning with “pookielove_12″ (which says it all, in addition to revealing the writer’s probable age) whines:

i agree with john… i though everyone is entitled to their own opinion (freedom of speech) this is america people if you dont like it get the hell out.

In other words, ashley-pookie-poo, you’re all for free speech when it agrees with your narrowminded, bigoted views — and when it doesn’t, you want to throw me out of your country.

Listen up, pookie-wookums: In addition to my right to tell you that you’re the un-American one, my opinion is that you sound like some sort of inbred idiot who gets your talking points from right-wing hate radio, and couldn’t come up with an original thought if your pointless, sheltered little existence depended on it.

Next…

Speaking of asshats, some asshat who calls himself “Peter G Tomaro” ripped off my Conservative Babylon article on Dave Hyles and reprinted it word-for-word on his “~~Crazies~~ Crusaders of Christ” free Web site (”free Web site”: from the Latin “I’m too cheap to buy a real Web site, and too stupid to build a Web page without an automatic Web-page-builder thingy”) at Webs.com / Freewebs.com.

I’ve lodged a formal complaint; while I’d like to see the entire site of this shameless copyright violator shut down completely, I’ll be satisfied if my original material is removed. Immediately. As for punishment for breaking the Eighth Commandment (or Seventh, for you Catholics and Lutherans), I have it on good word from Jesus himself that “Peter” is going to get a plague of lobster boils on his ass. (Locust boils? Something about a plague and jawing like an ass. Jesus tends to slur after four or five tokes.)

Now, the rest of our dear readers may be asking: “Sapph, why are you wasting your time on bigoted, inbred idiots who appear to lose control of their bowels the moment you criticize their big & ugly, homophobic idols? And why are you getting so irritated about some small-time putz when you know his Web host is going to take your article off his crappy little site?”

I’ll tell you why, folks: Because I just finished watching The History Channel’s fascinating two-hour special, Life After People, throughout which I kept nodding and muttering, “The disappearance of people would, indeed, be the best thing that could happen to this poor old planet. Well, most people… as long the only people left were the ones who were kind to the earth, and to one another, and wouldn’t dream of trying to force anyone else to conform to their beliefs or way of life.”

Right afterward, I discovered my original article ripped off by the Jesus-wingnut, and right after that, I received the ashley-poopy-pie email about John Rich — both of which only served to affirm my conviction that the planet would be far better off without people.

Well, most people.